Need. Love.

I'm a lost little tear drop consumed in an ocean. My role in life is just as necessary to build that ocean; nonetheless, I feel swallowed and drowned by the weight of life.

If I could watch my life through a TV set, I could say that the above description is not at all who I am. Lately I've been needed.
I've been in movement. Needed everywhere.
Perhaps the feeling of being needed more than ever in my life at this point in time, has allowed me to compare now and before.
These new pair of eyes have also left me questioning...what about tomorrow.

What happens tomorrow?

Will I be needed?

Then there was an even 'greater' question that has only been given the title of "greater" because of the emotional shake it gave me.

Will I be needed?

You: "Woah woah woah...umm..didnt you just ask that before?"
Me: Nope. Wanna' know why?..because I'm asking a different sense of "Will I be needed?"
When I say "needed", this time I mean, will one day someone come to me and say...I need you...in my LIFE.

I think people over use the word NEED, just as much as they overuse the word LOVE.

NEED & LOVE

2 very important word in our lives. So meaningful. So overused. Both small little 4 letter words. Is it possible that one might mean almost the same thing as the other.
Is love not needed?

I admit, at the start of writing this blog I knew what I felt but I didn't know how to say it. As I finish this blog, I see how I've left with more questions at hand now than before. Questions keep us going. If we knew the answer to everything..then how boring and expected would life be.

Matthew 6:36
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Send a Revival to my heart.

There has been numerous events that have occurred since my last post but as of now, I have decided to skip over all that and focus on now.
There is a revival going on at my church and with all truth, I'm not one that really like going all out in public and kneeling in prayer or lifting my hands. It's not that I'm against it and it's really not that I'm even embarrassed because I know thats often the case. But no. It's not any of that. I simply choose to not go out in public like that because I feel that people will criticize me and call me "so religious" when I know I do wrong all the time. I fear the judgment. But lately, I know God's been working in my life. taking that fear that I have of the people around me and putting that fear towards Him. If I fear the Lord, than whom else shall I fear. And so today at the revival I believe God has been moving me to raise my hands and care not what others think. I've been crying like no body's business. And even though I admittingly cry like a baby for most things, I think that I needed it. And as crazy as it may sound, I don't care if hate is poured on me or if problems come my way because I know God is on my side.
If the world goes against me then I KNOW I must be doing something right.
God is good. He loves me, and I want to love Him more. I don't want this to be a temporary experience. I want this desire to hit me every second of my day of the rest of my life. How glorious would that be!

Spring Cleaning.

Spring Cleaning would be the word of choice for what has been going on in my life. I think I've been cleaning out junk in more than just my room. Which is a very good thing I might add. There has been a collection of things and people that sadly had to be put away from my life.
It's funny how hard it can be to throw something out because that item holds so many memories and there are probably a million and one reasons why we should keep that object, but once you throw it away, it's like you forget about it. You wonder why it was ever truly needed in the first place. Same was with some of the people I have met. Very Very few people. Because I am aware that people are not just an object, BUT there are those people that are better left out of your life. You do what you can to keep them but if all they bring to your life is hurt..then let it go.

"When in doubt, leave it out."

So apart from my spring cleaning being brought to my room and relationships; I have brought spring cleaning into my own body.
Lent. Lent is a Catholic tradition and with all honesty, (because I really care not to hide this fact) I don't agree with many of the catholic traditions and beliefs.
I am a Christian. More than that, I AM A JESUS FOLLOWER. I do not have a religion. I have a faith in a real God that reminds us in his word to present our bodies as a living sacrifice. (Rom. 12:1)
So we should sacrifice ourselves? Like commit suicide!?! NO. Not like commit suicide or die.
A LIVING sacrifice. With everything we do in our daily lives, to sacrifice our worldy desires. To give our time and love. The things that are hard for us to do for God because we are too selfish. That is sacrifice.
So lent is for 40 days where we sacrifice something and dont eat meat basically.
I'm doing my own version, and it seems many Christians I know are following this trend. I am sacrificing soda, juice any drink but water for 40 days and replacing it with a moment with God. I am hoping to continue this as a reminder that I can do it for maybe more than 40 days and that I don't have to wait for this one period in the year. I can do it anytime. AND..I'm still eating meat :) The meat is not a representation of my Jesus's flesh so I continue to eat it. So I gave lent a twist. And truly, it is just 40 days of fasting sodas and juices.

Drinking only water these past days have really done me good. I couldn't help being reminded of my health, so I have decided to attempt at leading a healthier lifestyle. I went out walking and jogging some today at the park. I think I did just about 2 miles, but it's a start. :) I pray for the best. God Bless!

Heartache.

I write poems once in a blue moon. Usually when a few impacting things occur in my life. I'm not the best writer, but it's how I deal.



I now understand what heartache feels like.
Every word you said was a slap and strike.
I saw unsureness in you from the very start.
Yet you told me your "Love you's" and "Miss you's" were from the heart.
I knew they were lies by the way you spoke them to me.
You were clear as glass, through you I could see.
You were never ready for me although I asked many a time.
“Do you love me now? Do you want to be mine?”
I did my very best to impress you and make you happy.
It was all insufficient for you, to you I was crappy.
But that's how you made me feel.
I was insignificant and worthless; you treated me like no big deal.
What hurts me the most is not that you gave nothing;
It just kills me to see that you wouldn't even try, not even something.
You gave your life and tears to a game on a computer and tv screen.
But for the one who stood in front of you, you gave nothing for this teen.
Every fight we endured was me saying I love you.
You rejected my words and there was nothing I could do.
I waited one last moment to see if you would return for my love.
That day I prayed every second to my God above.
But you never came back for me because to you I was better left.
You stealing my heart was just a game of robbery and theft.
I wish I could say “You gave up on me”, but you never gave anything at all.
You put YOU in front of everyone and ignored me when I'd fall.
When we were done with, you said "We can still be friends".
You think that you giving me your pity is how it all ends!?
What makes you think I need your friendship?
Get those ideas out of your head and get a fresh grip.
So go and leave me. I really don't mind.
I was simply giving you this last goodbye.
I was making sure you acknowledged the time you made me waste.
Letting you know all these things I had been faced.
I might have been known to you as a simple and harmless girl,
but this poem was to make you see that I'm a priceless pearl.
And I’m sorry but you'll never find another like me.
So stop your searching, cause’ darling I’m free.

I spoke/wrote too soon.

So..about the last post. Ironic how things occur so suddenly. I have come to realize that the possible bump in the road was actually the flashing neon sign. Odd how both look strangely alike. Either way, I feel quite relieved. I now understand the meaning of the saying "a weight has been lifted from my shoulders".
So yes, my little relationship status on my Facebook has been changed. Funny how important that little status seems to be. It shouldn't be that way though.
It was a lovely near 5 months I had with this dude, but I don't think I could have handled any more. They were sufficient to teach me what I needed to know about others but most importantly, about myself.

God is amazing.
I honestly thought the whole break up process to be "ouch worthy", but it wasn't at all. It was strange. I mean...he was my first boyfriend after all. BUT God brought this grand peace in my heart. Very comforting and strong. God is by my side and He holds my hand. I gave Him that burden, and He has taken control of it. I'm very much happy. :)

It's done! Onto another piece of my life. A new chapter. An new story.
Who wants to be included in it? There'll be cookies!...and jello. :)

A pebble?

You know that common saying that "It's just a bump in the road"? Well there are times when I wonder if it is simply a bump in the road or a warning sign telling you not to go any further.
I don't know, but whether its a bump in the road or a flashing neon sign, I seem be crossing whatever it is quite often.
Relationships are difficult! Tell me something new... :P
Likewise, I'd say relationships are fulfilling. I'm very much content with my boyfriend (whom I refer to as my sweetness). But of course we both bicker incessantly like an "old couple" as my sister so often reminds me. I guess its our way of playfully making conversation when we find nothing to discuss. Our bickering never truly turns into something huge, but at the same time; when will I know its limits? When will it cease? Is it a bump in the road or the neon sign as mentioned earlier?

Time will tell.
Funny thin is, I mentioned to my sweetness some time back, that how will I know that all this time spent together will have not gone wasted?
Life itself is a life lesson.
Each situation and experience can be used to train us and help us understand better for the future. But I really do care for this dude. haha :)

I've been listening to too many Bruno Mars songs!
I'd catch a grenade for ya...throw my hand on a blade for ya....

and then that other one...When I see her face..there's not a thing that I would change, cause girl youre amazing, just. the. way. you. are.

Darn those amazing lyrical skills!!!
They get me all in a dreamlike state and make me think of what is, what will be, and what can be.


IN OTHER NEWS!!!: I've been back in the art scene. :)
Have you seen my work around town? Maybe in the galleries?
Perhaps you've caught a glimpse of my work in the homes of your fellow colleagues or peers?
Hahahahaha................I wish. But I can dream. ;)

Well the pic is of my current project. Am I lame for being soooo traditional?
Almost grandma-like. (Hey! grandmas are cool ;))
no, but really. I have no creativity what. so. ever. and thats pretty sad. but I rely on the ideas of others on which to thrive. Also, I lack painting skill.

I'm not big on acrylics and even much less on oils. -_-
Would someone care to tutor me on such skills?

The people I know are not very much into the subject. But oh how lovely would it be to surround myself with such people!!!
I can't help but interest myself in people with completely different styles than mine own though. very fun. :)

Pickle.

What to write, how to write it, and what to say?
There are probably more thoughts in my mind then I could produce in words. If only I could spill these thoughts onto the keys of my laptop and do so without judgment from anyone. Maybe If I did so, the advice that I long for would suddenly pop up in the comment box. Or not.
I get troubled with the fact that I feel a tad hopeless in some situations. I try to seek good in all people. I really do. But perhaps I seek the good in the wrong people. I seek good in some people more than others. But then again, I suppose some people need more chances than others. I give more opportunities to certain people. I give them the opportunity to show me their good. In the end, I've only been slightly successful in this. In fact, I have found that those who have demonstrated this "good" from the beginning have measured up to my expectations. They have confirmed my thoughts on how there is good in all. I have found that I hold on for dear life to those people because they are the proof I have in the "good" theory. So I force myself to think good of all people. That is of course until they tear my heart to pieces and convince me they are not good.
Clarification about the good theory: "Good" in the sense of good in MY life.
So if someone convinces me otherwise of their goodness, then perhaps they can be good in someone else's life but not in mine.

I think i'm worth the change. I know I sound self absorbed and snooty, but I honestly think i'm worth it. I'm worth the trouble. I'm worth the challenge. I'm worth the risk.

Why?

Because I know in my heart, that If that one person thinks I'm worth it all, then they will be worth it all to me.
Sad thing is, I'm learning slowly but surely that when only ONE person has this mind set of placing the other before them, then only that ONE person will be doing all the work. And so its a lonely love being shared with another.
February 14th is around the corner and I almost hope it turns the other corner and goes back. I dont know what to expect from that particular day. Parts of me say he will:
A. Bring me something because he feels he has to if not he'll look bad.
B. Bring me something because he really means it and wants to let me know he cares.
C. Bring me nothing and blame it on lack of money/memory.



In conclusion, I'm in a pickle.

...and I'd much rather be in a bowl of orange sherbet.

Twenty-Eleven.

A new year. How exciting. Although with all honesty, the sound of "twenty eleven" or "two-thousand-eleven" does not sound at all exciting. It sounds quite cheesy in-fact. But perhaps the sound of the words don't mean much, but what it actually is, should be something like a fresh, new, crisp canvas. There layed before you is your second chance (or for those of you; your 3rd, 4th,...etc. chance). Here is your brand spankin' new chance for you to begin that and to achieve those goals you've kept hidden for so long. Take advantage of it.

It could be your last chance.

Life is so precious. How many more days do you honestly think you have left on this earth. Now, I'm not here to write all dreary and to stick deathly ideas down your throat. I'm simply reminding you; here is your chance to start over! As my dad spoke this early Sunday morning during our church service; His sermon was about our New Year's resolutions. He gave the congregation a few statistics and some of them read that only about 25% of people complete their New Year's Resolution. The rest of the 75% don't even make it past January. That's pretty sad. What's even sadder is that I'm 100% sure that I'm a part of those statistics.
I know I have my fair share of incompletes.
Another thing is that make sure to realize what exactly you are putting forth as your most important New Year's Resolution. Mine was to drink more water and to go to more concerts this year and to learn to control the sound board better and to.. and to..and to....
And to what?
My New Year's Resolutions are worthless. Why? Because I have NOTHING if I have not God. I have NOTHING if I have not Christ as my personal savior.
How much more important is going to concerts more this year than to ask forgiveness to those I have hurt? How much more important is it to drink more water this year, if I don't first learn to love others and to truly live that way.
How much more important is it to do all these things, than to accept Christ as our savior or to reconcile with Him and to grow closer to Him. He is who holds our life at the palm of His hands. He is the one who gives us LIFE and who gives us LOVE and JOY and PEACE and so much more.
He should be our prioritized New Year's Resolution.
So this year, my new year's resolution will be to love God more.
Happy New Years. ~2011~