Pickle.

What to write, how to write it, and what to say?
There are probably more thoughts in my mind then I could produce in words. If only I could spill these thoughts onto the keys of my laptop and do so without judgment from anyone. Maybe If I did so, the advice that I long for would suddenly pop up in the comment box. Or not.
I get troubled with the fact that I feel a tad hopeless in some situations. I try to seek good in all people. I really do. But perhaps I seek the good in the wrong people. I seek good in some people more than others. But then again, I suppose some people need more chances than others. I give more opportunities to certain people. I give them the opportunity to show me their good. In the end, I've only been slightly successful in this. In fact, I have found that those who have demonstrated this "good" from the beginning have measured up to my expectations. They have confirmed my thoughts on how there is good in all. I have found that I hold on for dear life to those people because they are the proof I have in the "good" theory. So I force myself to think good of all people. That is of course until they tear my heart to pieces and convince me they are not good.
Clarification about the good theory: "Good" in the sense of good in MY life.
So if someone convinces me otherwise of their goodness, then perhaps they can be good in someone else's life but not in mine.

I think i'm worth the change. I know I sound self absorbed and snooty, but I honestly think i'm worth it. I'm worth the trouble. I'm worth the challenge. I'm worth the risk.

Why?

Because I know in my heart, that If that one person thinks I'm worth it all, then they will be worth it all to me.
Sad thing is, I'm learning slowly but surely that when only ONE person has this mind set of placing the other before them, then only that ONE person will be doing all the work. And so its a lonely love being shared with another.
February 14th is around the corner and I almost hope it turns the other corner and goes back. I dont know what to expect from that particular day. Parts of me say he will:
A. Bring me something because he feels he has to if not he'll look bad.
B. Bring me something because he really means it and wants to let me know he cares.
C. Bring me nothing and blame it on lack of money/memory.



In conclusion, I'm in a pickle.

...and I'd much rather be in a bowl of orange sherbet.